Knowing who you are guarantees lots of things. But it doesn’t guarantee one, knowing what you like and want.
It may seem so obvious and so easy. After all, knowing what one enjoys and dislikes is something we do from the moment we are born, right? Actually, it’s not that simple. Some of us have no access to that knowledge because we turned it off in the process of growing up by using self-deception.
Self-deception
Self-deception is what we do all the time, whenever we can’t take reality as it is… We deceive ourselves into thinking that things are different than they really are and into feeling less stressed, less betrayed, less overwhelmed or whatever we need to feel like. It’s a self-preservation mechanism that helps us cope with adverse circumstances.
For some of us, it happens more often than others. Some of us are unfortunately forced to cover up other people’s misdoings, maltreatment, and abuse from a very early age. In such cases, learning the skill to tell ourselves lies such as “It’s not that bad; I’m not suffering; it was my fault, so I deserved it – this is how things should be” can be life-saving or at least mental health-saving. Unfortunately, this can also backfire.
When we deceive ourselves and deny the feelings we have, we learn very quickly that what we feel is not true and should not be trusted. If we do it often enough and long enough, it simply turns off the mechanism of knowing what pleases us and what is unpleasant, i.e., what we should avoid. The result is that we not only don’t know what we enjoy and don’t recognise well what hurts us but we also tend to accept whatever people do to us without looking into how we feel about it.
Therefore, if you constantly agree to things you don’t want to do only to feel bad about it later and reproach yourself about it, this post is for you.
The benefits of self-deception
Despite what I wrote above, it’s not like self-deception is all bad. It’s not that straightforward. Self-deception, a tendency to fool ourselves, can be good for us in some specific situations. For example, it helps us to believe in goals that are less probable than a simple “I’ll get to work on time tomorrow”. If you need to make yourself work towards something that is not easy and can fail, self-deception is a great strategy.
I talk about goals a lot on this page, but so far I have avoided one aspect of them. The goals we set are usually difficult to achieve, and it’s really tough to imagine what it will take to get where we want. We have no idea what we will need to sacrifice, how much work will be needed, whether it’s even possible to achieve what we want, and most importantly if we will like where we get… Self-deception can simply counter all the doubts and unknowns.
It also helps us go through difficult times. It can help us deny the pain, both emotional and physical and thereby help us go through trauma or loss or a tough physical challenge (like running 100 miles). Just the thing is that when we finally get where we want to be, run those 100 miles or achieve a lifetime goal – we want to know if we enjoy the victory. It would also be nice to enjoy the process itself. So ideally, we should be able to use self-deception as a tool, without numbing our abilities to know what we like and what we don’t.
How to get the insight back
There is no magic potion to get back the insight into one’s emotions and preferences. This is yet another area which simply requires everyday work. Think of it as a muscle that wasn’t used for the last X-teen years of your life. No single-day pumping can remedy the atrophy. You need to train it daily and start slow. At first, you can’t expect too much of it. You won’t be able to see immediately all that you enjoy and dislike, but slowly the ability will regrow.
Like every other time, you have to start by analysing daily events and thinking about how they made you feel. You can do it before going to sleep. Make it your daily habit.
When you’re comfortable with it, add another step and identify your own behaviours you want to avoid. Like the previously mentioned agreeing to things you don’t want to do, accepting other people’s actions that hurt you or complying with their whims as if they were your own. Next time, when you are just about to accept something or agree to something – stop and give yourself some time. Ask for 10 minutes, 1 hour, 1 day… whatever you need to find out how it makes you feel. When you know that, you will know how to react.
The last thing to learn is to have constant insight into how something makes you feel. It comes with practice. And with the insight into your body sensations. Sometimes the way we feel shows more through our bodies than through our (conscious) feelings. For example, are your muscles tense in some situations? Do you fidget a lot when something happens? This may be a stressful reaction to an event which you want to pay attention to. It could be your body telling you about something that you’ve learnt to ignore. Recognising those signals is the last skill you may need to learn in order to understand your feelings and emotions.
The other end of the spectrum is overreaction. If you find yourself reacting that way, it may mean a long-term suppression that needs to erupt. In such cases, our self-deception usually tells us that the reaction is completely normal.
Working on getting the insight back will not be quick and easy, but it’s definitely worth it. Together with knowing what your priorities are and what your values and goals are will shield you from agreeing to the life you don’t want. Good luck.